Fathers, Daughters, & John Mayer

It is absolutely amazing how music can reach the soul in a way that nothing else does. I am constantly listening to music in my car, on walks, in my office, and I am sure many other points during my day. I have always appreciate lyrics, I pay attention to what they say and see what changes in me when I hear poetry sang aloud to a nice melodic background. For this reason, I have never been one to appreciate music that I cannot hear/understand the lyrics. I want to know what the artist is trying to say, and gauging as to what is their message? John Mayer, though a complete idiot at times, has a way of speaking to situations in my life. The song "Daughters" from one of his older albums basically summarizes exactly what it has always felt like having not known my "dad." The song opens up by conveying a romantic relationship that has been complicated by a hurting father/daughter relationship. Every SINGLE time I hear this song I feel this great sense of relief---as if his words are direct permission to feel the feelings I have in regard to this part of my journey.

Amen, John Mayer. You may be a tool in some areas of your life, but I love your lyrics.

just a lil' update

There has not been much going on for me. I have been working and working more than I would like, but then again I don't know know what I would be doing if I weren't. I was sick for about a week with the flu...thankfully not the H1N1. I am looking forward to Christmas break so I can see my niece more and actually visit with friends!

Not much to report.... If I think of something I will make a more interesting post. ;)

My main man, Carter

Oh, Carter.

This was probably one of Carter's best ideas to date!! And my proof that he is, at times, a Duck fan. :) Tatum---let's frame it poster size for his room so he doesn't forget.

Let's catch up...

It sure has been a while since I have written a blog. Sometimes I just don't want to, other times I don't have the time, and this time I basically forgot I had one. :) But a lot has happened in the last month or so, I will do my best to catch you up.

First, and probably the most important, I defended my dissertation. I am officially Dr. Tiffany Brown. What I have noticed in the last month since this has become official is that I don't seem to react too much to the title. I have found that others have more fun calling me that than I do. I attribute this to the fact that I never went after a Ph.D. for the sake of a title, my desire to continue in school was more about education and passion than prestige. I will admit, it sure is nice to have some clout amongst colleagues and community members, but at the end of the day it doesn't mean as much to me as the what I gained in the process.

I went back to Lubbock for a few days and defended September 21. I stayed with the Harrington's (which was awesome) and was able to see a few close friends while I was in town. It was a quick trip, but fantastic nonetheless. The first picture is with Tom, my advisor and dissertation chair. Also the person who maintained my sanity for the last 4 years. He has been the greatest mentor and really took me under his wing. I am forever grateful.


I also went to San Antonio that same week. I flew back to Eugene, was here for two nights, then headed out to San Antonio for a weekend of parties for Erin and Andrew. It was a blast being there and being with everyone for a few days.




From San Antonio, Erin and I flew to Sacramento for the AAMFT national conference where I had a few presentations and some catching up to do with friends. It was a fun couple of days, mostly low stress and a chance to be away from the university. The greatest part was seeing some old colleagues that I don't get a chance to see very often.


I have been back in Eugene for a few weeks, though I head out for Erin's wedding in a few weeks. Then in December I will be going to Lubbock for graduation. I will have been to Texas 4 times in 3 months. Holy hell.

Things are going well with work, I love it more and more every day. I am not really dating right now, I seem to go in waves of meeting guys and going out on many dates within a short period of time to feeling like it's a total waste of time and not caring for a while. I don't know where I am at currently with that, though regardless, Eugene is not the place to be for any chance of meeting the man of my dreams. I am sure there are a few wonderful guys here, I just can't seem to find them!

Anyways, I am sure this seems like a forever long post, but what can you do. I will end with a few pictures of Joselyn when her and my sister came to visit a month or so ago. We went to the Saturday Market and had some fun! :)

Dissertation? CHECK!

I defend my dissertation on Monday. It's a very weird feeling. For the last three weeks, since turning in my final draft, I have been in a complete fog.

It's almost over.

And it's actually bittersweet.

What is the deal?

I don't know what it is, but the last two weeks have been hell. I realize that I have a lot to be grateful for, and that sometimes my stress may not seem all that stressful when you look at the grand scheme of life....but right now I feel really overwhelmed and sad and hurt. There, I said it.

I feel like one of those hamster's on the wheel...working hard, as hard as humanly possible, and to no avail. Thankfully my students this summer have been quite wonderful and warm my heart every meeting. I think I would be going extra crazy if that was an added stress. It just seems like every time I turn around someone is letting me down. I know life would be much easier if I didn't count on people and just put a bunch of walls up, but that's not me. It never has been, it never will be. I wear my heart on my sleep, I walk through life with a lot of emotion, and I care deeply about every step I take. Each one of those steps are with intention and a great sense of passion. Most of the time this works out quite well for me, but lately it feels like I am taken advantage of and dismissed more times than I can count. I have tried to see my part, I have reflected on what it is that I am doing to keep bringing on these situations, but it seems as though it's just a moment in time where life is just achingly difficult.

I am tired of being single. Exhausted of it, frankly. I know, many of you who read my blog have a partner and kids and probably wish you could have my schedule and you may even say you are jealous of my life path. I have heard that, several times. Today even. But don't you see, you had your singlehood and you moved to the next stage. And many of you to the stage after that. It's like I am the kid that is held back in school, wishing I could go on with my friends to the new school, but I am stuck. There is a certain legitimacy that comes with being partnered and/or having kids. Especially in my profession. ESPECIALLY. I am sure it sounds "fun" to be single, but it's like a weekend trip to Vegas. It's really fun at first, you feel like you're having the time of your life. Then you realize how much you hate it because it's not really all it's cracked up to be. That may be a bad metaphor, in fact, it's terrible. I guess I just wish people understood how lonely and hard it is to be single at this age. How frustrating it is that you have to buy presents and go to things for your friends who are progressing through life in the "right" way. Nobody gave me a party after my dissertation proposal. Nobody gave me a party when I got my promotion. Nobody gave me a party for telling the guy who treated me like shit to never call again. Those are real, true accomplishments. But if I don't RSVP to your baby shower, or decide not to come to your wedding, then I'm the jerk. Am I making any sense?

There are other things going on....I have new things added to the journey of learning the other side of my family. It's been a really hard two weeks with that as well, especially the last few days. It's hard to talk about with people because there isn't anyone that can say "ya, I know what you mean." When you already feel really lonely, this makes it even more lonely. It's very emotional, often surprisingly difficult and deeply, deeply painful.

I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but all I can see right now is dark walls...I am doing my best to feel my way though....one step at a time. The serenity prayer is my best friend right now and I have it on repeat in my head. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I will be okay. I get to be okay. But it doesn't change how hard things are at the present moment.

Well, if that's not wearing your heart on your sleeve, I don't know what is.

Almost Lover

By: A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

A good cry.

Do you ever feel like you just need to let it all out? You have pent up feelings from several things and you just need a way to let it all out, though regardless of how much you need it, the tears just won't make their way out of your eye balls? I have felt this since the day I found out a friend of mine died from complications from his surgery (RIP Ross). Since I made it home from California I needed this good cry, but it wasn't making it's way. I was pretty tearful in the airport when Brandy dropped me off, but it was sad tears about leaving her more than anything else.

Finally, last night, it just started flowing. What was the catalyst? I was in my bedroom and went to grab my cell phone and realized I left it in the living room. I was pissed that I had to go get it. Really, really pissed. Sure enough, the tears came a flowin'! It was perfect. In a really strange and effed up way, it was exactly what I needed.

I can't quite figure out why a good cry is so healthy. It was one of those uncontrollable, can't see straight, keeled over, LOUD cries. And it was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Thank you, California.

I went to California to see Brandy nearly two weeks ago. It was one of THE best trips away from work/school since I started grad school. Granted, our San Diego trip a few years ago was pretty fun, it was too short and involved a lot of travel time.

I arrived in the Lucas capitol of the world (I swear, one out of three persons is a Lucas) and was quickly reminded as to why I loved living near Bran all of those years. We are the type of friends that can just hang out without a million things on the to-do list and enjoy each others company. It was so relaxing to just be in her world and just go with the flow for a week. We had a bunch of laughs and I realized how much I have missed her almost instantly. Even though we had a lot of fun just hanging around, we also did a lot of exciting stuff. Went to a baseball game, went shopping several times, went out to her cabin and hit the lake (with a wave runner and kick ass house boat), had delicious meals, spent time with mama and papa Lucas, went swimming, watched great movies, and on and on and on. It was a fabulous trip and felt strangely disappointing to come back to Eugene. (When have I EVER complained about coming back to Eugene?)

Brandy is one helluva friend. I can't believe I just used 'helluva'. Anyways, she unlike anyone I have ever met and I am grateful for her "getting me." She invited me into her life years ago and opened up her amazing family to me and I have loved every minute of it. I couldn't be more alike and so different from one person and for some reason it just works. She pushes me to think differently, to which hopefully I do the same for her. It was a wonderful break with her and having Sal, Mare, Kadee and Bailey time certainly made it even better.

There was something about this trip that was different. For one, I was surrounded with people that I genuinely love and admire, which seems to feed the soul regardless of whatever else is going on. Given that, there was something else that was at play. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I just felt at home on this trip. Usually when I go away, there comes a point when I am ready to get home. I want my bed, my stuff, my space. This time, I was perfectly okay out of my space and, frankly, didn't want to come back (I even postponed my ticket for an extra 4 days). This has been very puzzling to me and it was proposed that maybe I am just at a place in my life where I can go some where else and be okay in my environment, sans anxiety and need for the comforts of my life. (I think there is something to be said for that.) However, I am also questioning whether this has something to do with my own place in the world, was it the actual place I was (Bran's life), or was it something completely different that I haven't realized.

Or, maybe it's a combination of all of those things?

To some extent I am just happier and more at peace. Someone actually said that to me recently, "you seem at peace, you're okay being you." What he isn't aware of (yet) is that I have been working hard for this for years---an endeavor that has challenged me and created significant anguish throughout the process. Given his sense of peace and serenity, I know he gets that, but I didn't really explain that I haven't been like this all of my life. Is that it though? Am I just in a place where I am happy and okay being me? I don't need anything else, but, well, me? I would say that I am indeed at this place, maybe it's just that California afforded me the opportunity to realize it.

With that said, shouldn't I feel that way regardless of where I am? There are still "places" that I go that evoke a great deal of frustration and discomfort. Is the universe trying to tell me that it's time for me to "deal" with those specific things? It's almost as if the California trip was the carrot, so to speak, saying "Hey Tiffany, see how good it is? Wouldn't you like to feel this way ALL of the time."

Yes, California, I do. Thanks for the reminder that I have to constantly work on myself.

Here are some pictorial highlights.

We had fun this night. Well, Sal and I did. Brandy sorta did. ;)

We started a fight at the baseball game and got a guy kicked out. This is us relishing in our victory. We are front row on the 1st baseline and annoying dude is ALLLL the way over on the other side. How do we know this? Cuz we could still hear him after he was banished to the bleachers.

We like cornfields?
We can't help you understand us.


This is our sad face because I am being dropped at the airport.

Eugene Rodeo (yes, I went to a rodeo).

So, I am on vacation, MIND YOU. But when your best friend calls you up and tells you to blog, I guess you do it. Here are some pictures from our time at the Eugene Rodeo. YOU'RE WELCOME TATUM! I would say that the top picture and the videos are worth your undivided attention.

Kung Fu, Carter.

I loved today; Tatum, Carter, and McLane came to visit! We put "Kung Fu, Panda" on this evening so the boys could wind down a bit, though Carter insisted on watching the music video prior to watching the film. Check out his moves! And might I add that when we finally got to watching the film he was insistent on watching it in Spanish. Carter is already hilarious, it is very likely he will out humor his mom by the time he's in first grade. ;)






Carter and McLane warmed my heart today. I am so happy it's almost summer break so I can spend more time with all of them. One of the most difficult parts of being in Texas was basically missing out on all of Tatum's big life changes. They are both such sweet boys and thankfully have taken to me well over the years, even though we rarely see each other.

Thanks, Bug, for a great day.

What is this 'timing' thing really about?

I am noticing that there are changes happening in my life that I didn't really plan for. Well, I hoped for them, but didn't know if they would ever be implemented. Mostly changes in how I react to certain situations and feelings and emotions that are going on within me. I started therapy a few years ago, for the 3rd time, and it took me until this particular therapeutic relationship to really understand how I wanted to live my life. Was it the therapist? Was it the timing? Was it the relationship? Most would argue that the "common factors" could explain the reasons why this was the time that made the most sense for me to make the adjustments needed in my life. Is that true?

Ah, the common factors, how I (sort of) love thee.

Anyways, I have to say that I am grateful for whatever the reason behind such awareness these days. I am able to clearly ask for what I need, say what I mean, and believe that I deserve to have the best in life, something that took me quite a long time to thoroughly come to terms with. I recently let someone know not to call me anymore because I knew I deserved better. I would have never done that years ago! Hell, I wouldn't have even done that 6 months ago. It's almost as if all the things I wanted to have happen in my life just started happening. What is so puzzling is what makes these changes start to occur? Why are things so good all of the time, as if I am completely different with an ability to feel deeper, with a clear heart and mind? I feel as though I am typically a compassionate person, however, lately this compassion seems to have shifted into compassion with a side of boundaries.

Not that I am not a nice person anymore, that just won't change. Ever.

It's just that I don't let people walk all over me. I listen, take it in, and then express my truth and orchestrate a relationship (albeit clinical, collegial, friendship, romantic, student-teacher) with more intention and clarity. I am clear and deliberate, all the while feeling less anxious and happy. Definitely happy.

All in all things are really great right now. I feel settled in. I feel as if I am doing exactly what I am supposed to do at the exact time I am supposed to be doing it. Everything is lining up perfectly and I am learning and growing with each new day. It may sound cheesy, but it's incredibly true. And for that, I continuously remain extremely grateful.

Oh, and I cut my hair today. To go with my new "look" on life. ;) Bahahaha.

Calling all Parents!

My dear friend, Deanna, has a three year old son who recently choked on a piece of meat a week or so ago. Since this incident, he has not eaten any solid foods (with a few exceptions). He is afraid to eat and choke, often getting seriously panicked when asked to eat anything solid. He's been eating yogurt and applesauce, and drinking milk and sometimes a smoothie. The pediatrician said to not put any energy into it and let him eat what he will (instead of trying to force anything or use behavioral measures). I was just wondering if anyone has any ideas...he won't even eat fruit! Dairy seems to be the only thing that he's open to, which of course can't be good for him long term. Anyways, any help you can offer would be GREAT! :)

Bragging rights.

Nobody cares, I am sure. But today was one of my most productive days. This is what I accomplished:

• Went for a walk in the gorgeous sun.
  
• Put together new Ikea dresser while watching Office Space.
  
• Cleaned out closet and rearranged where everything goes.
  
• Cleaned out old dresser.
  
• Rearranged my bedroom a bit.
  
• Devoted an entire drawer to my jewelry and reorganized everything for said drawer. (I am most proud of this and very excited to open a drawer to all of my jewelry being in one place).
  
• Cleaned my entire apartment (mopping, dusting, wiping down everything, vacuuming, and DEEP cleaning the bathroom and kitchen).
• Edited an article for publication.
• Returned all student emails (I rarely get caught up and actually feel caught up).
  
• Paid all of my bills and balanced my money, honey.
• Prepped for class tomorrow and developed an activity to discuss clinical confidence.
  
• Hung out with the roommate for a bit.
  
• Went to the grocery store and stocked up for the week.
• Watched The Simpson's.
  

All in all, a rather good day! Wish I would have spent more time in the sun, but I am so happy getting all of this done today. I can't wait for this term to be over so I can actually be on top of things like this every day. Teaching one class vs. four is going to be a dream!

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend! :)

Mical!

I can't see your blog. And, I don't know your email address to tell you. :)

Help! Tehehe.

My email: tiffanybrown05@gmail.com.

Reflection time.

This year has been incredible. I feel like it's important for me to capture a few of the highlights. Tomorrow I turn 29 (eek) and I am realizing that documenting my journey is important and relevant.

The search.

This time last year, on my birthday, I made the decision to look for my biological dad. It was something that I always knew I would do and also knew that the timing meant everything. The timing of this was for me, not for anyone else. With my amazing therapist by my side, it was extremely serendipitous that it was time for the cliched call to a private investigator. I asked out loud in a therapy session one day "I wonder when I will be ready to find my dad," to which she responded, "Tiffany, I think you are ready, you have been ready. Let's start looking for him. I had asked myself this question for many years, always feeling as though I was not "ready" to embark on such an unknown journey. What made this time different was the fact that I was finally sitting across from someone that was willing to take this on with me. It was a relief. I didn't have to do this alone.

Strangely enough, I tend to enjoy doing things on my own. Enjoy is even a weak term, I actually prefer to do things alone. This was different. This was an endeavor that was messing with my identity, sense of self, and I was ultimately fearful that I would be unable to regulate any emotions that would come of it. Essentially, I needed to know that my (inevitable) emotional breakdown would not have to be alone. I needed to know that someone was willing to sit in the crap with me, as I didn't know what this journey would bring. (And don't think I didn't look for books to tell me what it would be like. I searched. Everywhere.)

Anyways, what I am getting at is this year has been incredibly influential in the grand scope of my life. I will always remember this year. I made the decision to look for my dad and not only did I find him, I also found a brother that has become my best friend and the greatest addition to my life. A brother that has truly filled the hole that was in my heart my e-n-t-i-r-e life. I also learned that I have two other brothers out there. I cannot wait to find them and engage in new beginnings with my older brothers (it's just fun to say that). In the grand scheme of all the changes this year has brought, I am filled with gratitude that my brother Zane has created a space in his life for me. I honestly feel complete. And forever thankful that myspace brought us together (seriously, that is how I found him). He is talented, humble, confident, caring, and ridiculously amazing. And he's MY brother.



This blog is just a way for me to document changes in my life. To me, that's what a blog is for. Some rant and rave (I am sure there are times I will do so) and some post pictures of their beloved children (this better happen for me someday or that hole in my heart will return). I see my blog as a chance to share with who ever is interested the moments in my life that I feel are worth punctuating. This year, to me, is the greatest punctuation in my life. The year I became the person I was always supposed to be.

This "person" I have always been striving to be is much more relaxed, content, not as OCD, and well aware of her anxiety with tools to deal with it. She is also happy, more loving, and believes in herself from the inside out. This has finally happened. From the moment I met Zane all of these pieces fit together. I finally realized exactly who I wanted to be, exactly who I was. It was almost like, in an instant, I received the cure of a lifetime. And this cure is my 25 year old brother who seems to be the greatest gift I have ever received from this universe. And I am eternally grateful from the bottom of my heart.

Being home.

Is there anything better than being in a place you call home for the chance to learn as much as humanly possible? I returned back in Eugene in August and it has been blissful ever since. I love this city. I whole-heartedly love this city. It taught me how to live on my own when I was 19, it was the place where I (neglectfully) fell in love for the first time, where I found my professional calling, and where I met some of the greatest people that continue to be major players in my life. I have been able to come back and be a part of the UofO in a different way and give back to the university that I feel has the greatest strength in Oregon. Not to mention the greatest football program. :)

At any rate, I have been able to develop my professional identity this year in way that I was not planning. I am clear as to how I want to be in the world of my field, what I believe in regard to my work with students, and how to challenge myself with my colleagues. It's incredible. In the meanwhile, I am developing closer bonds with the faculty that initially taught me. They were once my mentors, and now they are my mentors and friends.

In addition, I am able to see my niece more regularly. She is divine and I am so grateful that she is a part of this world. My sister and her have a closeness that is indescribable, the type of closeness that all mothers likely hope to have with their daughters. Joselyn and I are finding our own rhythm in our relationship and I absolutely adore her. Just today she proclaimed how much she didn't want me to leave because "I will miss you as soon as you are gone." How does a three year old make that connection emotionally? Too sweet.

Dear friends.

This year has also been about my friendships. More or less just an observation about what I want in my life and what I don't. I feel so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing network of people that care about me and are willing to accept me for exactly who I am. I am better about investing in those who are able to give to me as I give to them. I used to be the friend that would do anything for you and not expect a thing in return. Essentially, I was co-dependent. :) I now expect you to be a good friend. Your definition and my definition of a good friend may be different, but I deserve to have people in my life that are willing to be my friend in return. It's a grand realization, something that took me a while to discover. Brandy would say I am well differentiated now, and I would have to agree with her. Thank you Murray Bowen for such a fantastic definition of self-awareness and regulation.

Recently....

It has been a VERY busy time. I can barely keep up with my own day. I am taking a few days respite right now, and still have to grade 45 ten page papers while I "rest." I also went to Seattle recently which was a lot of fun, and a lot of stress. I interviewed for a job up there that I want more than anything, but don't want to talk too much about it because I am afraid I won't get it if I do. You know how it is.

Next term is going to be nuts, too. I am teaching 4 classes and have double the amount of supervisees. It's significantly more money, which is why I said yes to everything. I desperately need money right now, so it works out to take on some extra duties. It also gives me more experience in things that I haven't had exposure to teaching as of yet. I am really excited about it, but also know it's going to be crazy.

Add in a dissertation and life is going to be miserable. I haven't been feeling very well either, have been at the doctor a lot lately trying to figure out what is wrong. I have been fatigued and feeling just out of it a lot. My doc ran some tests and nothing huge has come back. I am doing a full sleep study, next step is going into the lab for them to watch me sleep (awkward much?) hoping that we will be able to see if anything is seriously wrong with my sleep. So far they can't find any cardiac reasons, but I do have many "desaturations" when I sleep. I just learned what that means, but not sure I can explain it. The best part of my doctor's visits is that she actually told me to drink more red wine! I thought that was AWESOME. Best prescription ever! I will definitely take her up on that one.

Joselyn turned three this week, but I didn't get to spend it with her because I was out of town. I hear it was a good time and she learned to sing Happy Birthday to herself. ;) What a sweetie.

I also had a phone conversation with my old therapist today, she is amazing. If you think therapy is weird, would never want to do it, then that makes you crazy I say! It's wonderful and has made my life so much more centered and meaningful. You don't have to have something "wrong" to go, I think it's most helpful when you are seeking to enrich what you already have. My therapist is amazing, so I guess it's easy for me to love the process.

I know, I am well aware...

...I have been fairly MIA in the blog world. Well, that's just how it goes sometimes. It's hard to know if anyone really cares to read anything related to me, so I often hesitate to blog. Then some anonymous commenter left several "Please post more blogs" and I suddenly felt compelled. Though, I am curious to who you are anonymous commenter!

Here are some recent highlights:

• I am currently in the analyzing data phase of my dissertation. This is a tedious phase, but I am so grateful to be here.
• I seriously cried during Obama's inauguration. I don't care what you think about that, because it's just simply true. I think it was knowing that it was so meaningful to so many people. I look forward to telling my children the story of watching that day happen.
  
• I am still teaching at UofO and loving every second of it. The mere thought that this is temporary makes me ill. It's been perfect for me, even the really hard days when I have to challenge myself to give hard feedback to students.
  
• I traveled to Lubbock in January to collect data, which was surprisingly emotional. Now, I am aware that my dissertation topic is heavy, but I am used to it (or so I thought). It was just incredible that eleven people were willing to share their life stories with me. What a privilege. Erin and Andrew were wonderful hosts, it was extremely nice to spend so much time with them. I also got to see BABY KATE while I was in town, she is such a joy. I can't wait to see her again when I go back in May.
  
• I still wake up every day and pinch myself that I have a brother that I just only found 9 months ago. He remains to be a big part of my life and I am forever thankful for hiring that private investigator for $150. Best money I ever spent, ever. Ever.
  
• Jarod might be making his way back to the west coast and I can't wait.
  
• I am currently "job searching" and have some prospects. I am not going to mention it though in detail because I seriously believe I could jinx it.
  
• One of my best friends, Christine, had her first baby. Annabelle left the womb on Valentine's Day and she is precious.
• I haven't seen Joselyn since Christmas, what the hell! I just realized that. My sister and I are equally busy, which is both good and bad.
  
• My car was broken into right outside my apartment this month. They "gutted" it, and I have been dealing with insurance for a few weeks now. Needless to say I have been music-less when I drive and that is torture. I seriously think I would rather hold a snake then not have music. They also stole my Ipod. I want to punch them in the baby maker.
• In better news, Jarod is sending me a new Ipod this week. He knows how much I am suffering without music and emphasizes. Sweet thing.
  
• I have plans to go see Brandy and Sally in March. I can't wait for a mid season Brucas. It will be amaaaazing. And rumor has it that Adam will be home at the same time. Have you ever heard of such perfection?
• I've joined Twitter and think it's awesome. I've been "tweeting" with Ashton Kutcher a bit and feel we are becoming quite good friends. ;) Ha. Maybe just Twitter acquaintances? Anycrap, he really has been responding, it's strangely normal.
• I still watch "Brothers & Sisters" regularly and nervous about this week's episode. If they kill off Rob Lowe I might throw a fit like a 3 year old.

That's it in a nutshell. I am going to finish watching SNL now. Don't be jealous of my extremely hot Saturday night plans.

Peace.

18 plus some.

Uncertainty. It's extremely difficult. It's hard to simultaneously feel the depths of hurt and relief, while feeling extremely misunderstood. How can something bring so much happiness and completeness and then suddenly transform into utter pain? It forces one to hold on and not be pulled down by the undertow. Holding on can be exhausting and often not that appealing. Regardless of who is at grasp, always keeping my head above water on my own is a challenge.

I will always struggle with living life on life's terms.

T-Minus 7 Days.

Well, the count down is on. Next week may very well be the most important and anxiety provoking week of my life. And by important, I mean something I have waited patiently for my entire life. It's funny, for something so huge and monumental, there is never going to be a Hallmark card that reads "Hey, good luck on meeting your dad for the first time." Which makes sense, as I doubt it would be a major money making card section. However, what is troubling is that it doesn't fit in the traditional 'wow, what a huge deal' kind of moments. If I were getting married, getting ready to have a baby, or even had a death in the family it would be widely recognized as a major day. Just an observation.

So far this week I have had a few panic attacks, several spontaneous cries, and a lot of hope. One part of me knows it will be okay and that everything is going to go great and probably better than I could even imagine. The other part of me is nervous and anxious beyond words and my body is having continuous convulsions trying to make sense of all these new feelings. I have just been trying to keep myself busy and surround myself with all the things that make me feel good. For example, right now I am sitting at Full City listening to JM drinking some Oregon chai and munching on a cream scone from Palace Bakery. My own personal heaven really. Today, I woke up feeling crazy and in order to sooth myself I did everything I could to stay busy: cleaned the house, deep cleaned the kitchen, caught up on a million emails, did yoga (with plans to do again before i go to bed), paid some bills, rocked out to some Bob Marley, went shopping for a bath mat, and tried on some clothes at Old Navy. All before about noon.

Not sure what the next few days will be like, though I have had so many mood swings it's ridiculous. With Brandy and Sally coming this weekend I feel like I will be okay. I basically won't be alone from about Friday on....which will inevitably distract and make me a little more sane than I would be otherwise.

I am very excited and grateful that this is finally happening. However, when I hear "all will be fine, don't worry" I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I am sure that is true, but I have waited for this my entire life. E-N-T-I-R-E life. I can't dismiss this anxiety and believe that it should just go away or I should just 'go have some fun to not think about it.' This is all I think about right now. I can't make it go away. I can't believe it will work out fine. When you spend your whole life without someone/thing and have to accept that for what it is (or try to at least), the very idea that the reality of that will soon change is overwhelming. Especially when you feel that most of your life has been in response to that loss and void it's hard to imagine what life will be like without that empty feeling. Man, maybe I am grieving the loss of my loss. Wtf. Blogging isn't therapy. But you get the idea of where I am at right now.

I just want Bran and Sal to get here. The sooner the better!