Calling all Parents!

My dear friend, Deanna, has a three year old son who recently choked on a piece of meat a week or so ago. Since this incident, he has not eaten any solid foods (with a few exceptions). He is afraid to eat and choke, often getting seriously panicked when asked to eat anything solid. He's been eating yogurt and applesauce, and drinking milk and sometimes a smoothie. The pediatrician said to not put any energy into it and let him eat what he will (instead of trying to force anything or use behavioral measures). I was just wondering if anyone has any ideas...he won't even eat fruit! Dairy seems to be the only thing that he's open to, which of course can't be good for him long term. Anyways, any help you can offer would be GREAT! :)

Bragging rights.

Nobody cares, I am sure. But today was one of my most productive days. This is what I accomplished:

• Went for a walk in the gorgeous sun.
  
• Put together new Ikea dresser while watching Office Space.
  
• Cleaned out closet and rearranged where everything goes.
  
• Cleaned out old dresser.
  
• Rearranged my bedroom a bit.
  
• Devoted an entire drawer to my jewelry and reorganized everything for said drawer. (I am most proud of this and very excited to open a drawer to all of my jewelry being in one place).
  
• Cleaned my entire apartment (mopping, dusting, wiping down everything, vacuuming, and DEEP cleaning the bathroom and kitchen).
• Edited an article for publication.
• Returned all student emails (I rarely get caught up and actually feel caught up).
  
• Paid all of my bills and balanced my money, honey.
• Prepped for class tomorrow and developed an activity to discuss clinical confidence.
  
• Hung out with the roommate for a bit.
  
• Went to the grocery store and stocked up for the week.
• Watched The Simpson's.
  

All in all, a rather good day! Wish I would have spent more time in the sun, but I am so happy getting all of this done today. I can't wait for this term to be over so I can actually be on top of things like this every day. Teaching one class vs. four is going to be a dream!

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend! :)

Mical!

I can't see your blog. And, I don't know your email address to tell you. :)

Help! Tehehe.

My email: tiffanybrown05@gmail.com.

Reflection time.

This year has been incredible. I feel like it's important for me to capture a few of the highlights. Tomorrow I turn 29 (eek) and I am realizing that documenting my journey is important and relevant.

The search.

This time last year, on my birthday, I made the decision to look for my biological dad. It was something that I always knew I would do and also knew that the timing meant everything. The timing of this was for me, not for anyone else. With my amazing therapist by my side, it was extremely serendipitous that it was time for the cliched call to a private investigator. I asked out loud in a therapy session one day "I wonder when I will be ready to find my dad," to which she responded, "Tiffany, I think you are ready, you have been ready. Let's start looking for him. I had asked myself this question for many years, always feeling as though I was not "ready" to embark on such an unknown journey. What made this time different was the fact that I was finally sitting across from someone that was willing to take this on with me. It was a relief. I didn't have to do this alone.

Strangely enough, I tend to enjoy doing things on my own. Enjoy is even a weak term, I actually prefer to do things alone. This was different. This was an endeavor that was messing with my identity, sense of self, and I was ultimately fearful that I would be unable to regulate any emotions that would come of it. Essentially, I needed to know that my (inevitable) emotional breakdown would not have to be alone. I needed to know that someone was willing to sit in the crap with me, as I didn't know what this journey would bring. (And don't think I didn't look for books to tell me what it would be like. I searched. Everywhere.)

Anyways, what I am getting at is this year has been incredibly influential in the grand scope of my life. I will always remember this year. I made the decision to look for my dad and not only did I find him, I also found a brother that has become my best friend and the greatest addition to my life. A brother that has truly filled the hole that was in my heart my e-n-t-i-r-e life. I also learned that I have two other brothers out there. I cannot wait to find them and engage in new beginnings with my older brothers (it's just fun to say that). In the grand scheme of all the changes this year has brought, I am filled with gratitude that my brother Zane has created a space in his life for me. I honestly feel complete. And forever thankful that myspace brought us together (seriously, that is how I found him). He is talented, humble, confident, caring, and ridiculously amazing. And he's MY brother.



This blog is just a way for me to document changes in my life. To me, that's what a blog is for. Some rant and rave (I am sure there are times I will do so) and some post pictures of their beloved children (this better happen for me someday or that hole in my heart will return). I see my blog as a chance to share with who ever is interested the moments in my life that I feel are worth punctuating. This year, to me, is the greatest punctuation in my life. The year I became the person I was always supposed to be.

This "person" I have always been striving to be is much more relaxed, content, not as OCD, and well aware of her anxiety with tools to deal with it. She is also happy, more loving, and believes in herself from the inside out. This has finally happened. From the moment I met Zane all of these pieces fit together. I finally realized exactly who I wanted to be, exactly who I was. It was almost like, in an instant, I received the cure of a lifetime. And this cure is my 25 year old brother who seems to be the greatest gift I have ever received from this universe. And I am eternally grateful from the bottom of my heart.

Being home.

Is there anything better than being in a place you call home for the chance to learn as much as humanly possible? I returned back in Eugene in August and it has been blissful ever since. I love this city. I whole-heartedly love this city. It taught me how to live on my own when I was 19, it was the place where I (neglectfully) fell in love for the first time, where I found my professional calling, and where I met some of the greatest people that continue to be major players in my life. I have been able to come back and be a part of the UofO in a different way and give back to the university that I feel has the greatest strength in Oregon. Not to mention the greatest football program. :)

At any rate, I have been able to develop my professional identity this year in way that I was not planning. I am clear as to how I want to be in the world of my field, what I believe in regard to my work with students, and how to challenge myself with my colleagues. It's incredible. In the meanwhile, I am developing closer bonds with the faculty that initially taught me. They were once my mentors, and now they are my mentors and friends.

In addition, I am able to see my niece more regularly. She is divine and I am so grateful that she is a part of this world. My sister and her have a closeness that is indescribable, the type of closeness that all mothers likely hope to have with their daughters. Joselyn and I are finding our own rhythm in our relationship and I absolutely adore her. Just today she proclaimed how much she didn't want me to leave because "I will miss you as soon as you are gone." How does a three year old make that connection emotionally? Too sweet.

Dear friends.

This year has also been about my friendships. More or less just an observation about what I want in my life and what I don't. I feel so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing network of people that care about me and are willing to accept me for exactly who I am. I am better about investing in those who are able to give to me as I give to them. I used to be the friend that would do anything for you and not expect a thing in return. Essentially, I was co-dependent. :) I now expect you to be a good friend. Your definition and my definition of a good friend may be different, but I deserve to have people in my life that are willing to be my friend in return. It's a grand realization, something that took me a while to discover. Brandy would say I am well differentiated now, and I would have to agree with her. Thank you Murray Bowen for such a fantastic definition of self-awareness and regulation.

Recently....

It has been a VERY busy time. I can barely keep up with my own day. I am taking a few days respite right now, and still have to grade 45 ten page papers while I "rest." I also went to Seattle recently which was a lot of fun, and a lot of stress. I interviewed for a job up there that I want more than anything, but don't want to talk too much about it because I am afraid I won't get it if I do. You know how it is.

Next term is going to be nuts, too. I am teaching 4 classes and have double the amount of supervisees. It's significantly more money, which is why I said yes to everything. I desperately need money right now, so it works out to take on some extra duties. It also gives me more experience in things that I haven't had exposure to teaching as of yet. I am really excited about it, but also know it's going to be crazy.

Add in a dissertation and life is going to be miserable. I haven't been feeling very well either, have been at the doctor a lot lately trying to figure out what is wrong. I have been fatigued and feeling just out of it a lot. My doc ran some tests and nothing huge has come back. I am doing a full sleep study, next step is going into the lab for them to watch me sleep (awkward much?) hoping that we will be able to see if anything is seriously wrong with my sleep. So far they can't find any cardiac reasons, but I do have many "desaturations" when I sleep. I just learned what that means, but not sure I can explain it. The best part of my doctor's visits is that she actually told me to drink more red wine! I thought that was AWESOME. Best prescription ever! I will definitely take her up on that one.

Joselyn turned three this week, but I didn't get to spend it with her because I was out of town. I hear it was a good time and she learned to sing Happy Birthday to herself. ;) What a sweetie.

I also had a phone conversation with my old therapist today, she is amazing. If you think therapy is weird, would never want to do it, then that makes you crazy I say! It's wonderful and has made my life so much more centered and meaningful. You don't have to have something "wrong" to go, I think it's most helpful when you are seeking to enrich what you already have. My therapist is amazing, so I guess it's easy for me to love the process.

I know, I am well aware...

...I have been fairly MIA in the blog world. Well, that's just how it goes sometimes. It's hard to know if anyone really cares to read anything related to me, so I often hesitate to blog. Then some anonymous commenter left several "Please post more blogs" and I suddenly felt compelled. Though, I am curious to who you are anonymous commenter!

Here are some recent highlights:

• I am currently in the analyzing data phase of my dissertation. This is a tedious phase, but I am so grateful to be here.
• I seriously cried during Obama's inauguration. I don't care what you think about that, because it's just simply true. I think it was knowing that it was so meaningful to so many people. I look forward to telling my children the story of watching that day happen.
  
• I am still teaching at UofO and loving every second of it. The mere thought that this is temporary makes me ill. It's been perfect for me, even the really hard days when I have to challenge myself to give hard feedback to students.
  
• I traveled to Lubbock in January to collect data, which was surprisingly emotional. Now, I am aware that my dissertation topic is heavy, but I am used to it (or so I thought). It was just incredible that eleven people were willing to share their life stories with me. What a privilege. Erin and Andrew were wonderful hosts, it was extremely nice to spend so much time with them. I also got to see BABY KATE while I was in town, she is such a joy. I can't wait to see her again when I go back in May.
  
• I still wake up every day and pinch myself that I have a brother that I just only found 9 months ago. He remains to be a big part of my life and I am forever thankful for hiring that private investigator for $150. Best money I ever spent, ever. Ever.
  
• Jarod might be making his way back to the west coast and I can't wait.
  
• I am currently "job searching" and have some prospects. I am not going to mention it though in detail because I seriously believe I could jinx it.
  
• One of my best friends, Christine, had her first baby. Annabelle left the womb on Valentine's Day and she is precious.
• I haven't seen Joselyn since Christmas, what the hell! I just realized that. My sister and I are equally busy, which is both good and bad.
  
• My car was broken into right outside my apartment this month. They "gutted" it, and I have been dealing with insurance for a few weeks now. Needless to say I have been music-less when I drive and that is torture. I seriously think I would rather hold a snake then not have music. They also stole my Ipod. I want to punch them in the baby maker.
• In better news, Jarod is sending me a new Ipod this week. He knows how much I am suffering without music and emphasizes. Sweet thing.
  
• I have plans to go see Brandy and Sally in March. I can't wait for a mid season Brucas. It will be amaaaazing. And rumor has it that Adam will be home at the same time. Have you ever heard of such perfection?
• I've joined Twitter and think it's awesome. I've been "tweeting" with Ashton Kutcher a bit and feel we are becoming quite good friends. ;) Ha. Maybe just Twitter acquaintances? Anycrap, he really has been responding, it's strangely normal.
• I still watch "Brothers & Sisters" regularly and nervous about this week's episode. If they kill off Rob Lowe I might throw a fit like a 3 year old.

That's it in a nutshell. I am going to finish watching SNL now. Don't be jealous of my extremely hot Saturday night plans.

Peace.

18 plus some.

Uncertainty. It's extremely difficult. It's hard to simultaneously feel the depths of hurt and relief, while feeling extremely misunderstood. How can something bring so much happiness and completeness and then suddenly transform into utter pain? It forces one to hold on and not be pulled down by the undertow. Holding on can be exhausting and often not that appealing. Regardless of who is at grasp, always keeping my head above water on my own is a challenge.

I will always struggle with living life on life's terms.

T-Minus 7 Days.

Well, the count down is on. Next week may very well be the most important and anxiety provoking week of my life. And by important, I mean something I have waited patiently for my entire life. It's funny, for something so huge and monumental, there is never going to be a Hallmark card that reads "Hey, good luck on meeting your dad for the first time." Which makes sense, as I doubt it would be a major money making card section. However, what is troubling is that it doesn't fit in the traditional 'wow, what a huge deal' kind of moments. If I were getting married, getting ready to have a baby, or even had a death in the family it would be widely recognized as a major day. Just an observation.

So far this week I have had a few panic attacks, several spontaneous cries, and a lot of hope. One part of me knows it will be okay and that everything is going to go great and probably better than I could even imagine. The other part of me is nervous and anxious beyond words and my body is having continuous convulsions trying to make sense of all these new feelings. I have just been trying to keep myself busy and surround myself with all the things that make me feel good. For example, right now I am sitting at Full City listening to JM drinking some Oregon chai and munching on a cream scone from Palace Bakery. My own personal heaven really. Today, I woke up feeling crazy and in order to sooth myself I did everything I could to stay busy: cleaned the house, deep cleaned the kitchen, caught up on a million emails, did yoga (with plans to do again before i go to bed), paid some bills, rocked out to some Bob Marley, went shopping for a bath mat, and tried on some clothes at Old Navy. All before about noon.

Not sure what the next few days will be like, though I have had so many mood swings it's ridiculous. With Brandy and Sally coming this weekend I feel like I will be okay. I basically won't be alone from about Friday on....which will inevitably distract and make me a little more sane than I would be otherwise.

I am very excited and grateful that this is finally happening. However, when I hear "all will be fine, don't worry" I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I am sure that is true, but I have waited for this my entire life. E-N-T-I-R-E life. I can't dismiss this anxiety and believe that it should just go away or I should just 'go have some fun to not think about it.' This is all I think about right now. I can't make it go away. I can't believe it will work out fine. When you spend your whole life without someone/thing and have to accept that for what it is (or try to at least), the very idea that the reality of that will soon change is overwhelming. Especially when you feel that most of your life has been in response to that loss and void it's hard to imagine what life will be like without that empty feeling. Man, maybe I am grieving the loss of my loss. Wtf. Blogging isn't therapy. But you get the idea of where I am at right now.

I just want Bran and Sal to get here. The sooner the better!

FINALLY!

I have a lot to catch up on here! A few highlights....

Obama won. Which made me so excited I didn't know what to do with myself. I haven't decided if I like his idea of Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State. I wonder if he is considering her so she won't run against him again. Either way, I am going to savor these next four years. My friend Annelise and I went to the Eugene fairgrounds for a big party. It was a lot of fun to be around so many celebrating Obama fans!





I have a new baby brother. No, not by way of my mom. And if you aren't sure the details of why this cute little thing is my brother than I just haven't shared that with you yet. At any rate, here he is, Zayden Montana, born October 6. Is healthy as can be. I will officially MEET him at Thanksgiving. As well as some other important players in my life.


BFF time. Tatum was here for a game day and we were able to relish in the fact that we could talk uniterrupted for as long as we wanted. I love all of my friends' kids, but selfishly wish it was easier for them to get away so I could have some quality friend time. I know, it's hard with kids. But Tatum has always made it easy to stay connected. We have learned to have conversations over talking (and/or screaming) boys, while driving to work at 730am, or at any other time we can squeeze in. I am proud to say that I still talk to my best friend on the phone nearly every other day. I can't imagine it any other way and she really is the only person I don't screen calls for. (Sorry everyone else! :)). Anyways, it was only for an afternoon, but spending Saturday with her was exactly what I needed.

It's important to note that we had some REALLY funny fans around us...Check them out! :)

This kid was without a shirt the ENTIRE game. This picture doesn't even capture how funny he was either. He probably was more into the cheers and yelling on 3rd downs than anyone else.

And this lady READ the entire game. And not like she was catching up on school work reading, but a magazine. She didn't move. She didn't even look up. And her daughter was freezing in a little sweater the entire game while she wore a down coat, gloves, and hat. We were not a fan.

And this guy...the one with the white hat. He was constantly yelling at everyone to yell louder. Ha. He was seriously offended when people weren't standing and yelling (hence the guy behind him finally on his feet)!!!

Anyways, more to come. Kim came to visit last weekend, but for some reason I don't have any pictures. Wtf? Brandy and Sally will be here this weekend....WITH BAILEY! I can't wait! Brucas '08! (Brown & Lucas. We're creative like that).

Oh, Palin. Thanks for playing.

Even conservatives are acknowledging the lack of experience that Palin brings to the table. Her lastest interview with Couric and Gibson definetely support this notion, but it's nice to see even her own party is struggling with getting behind her. I can't wait for the Biden/Palin debate on Thursday!

http://townhall.com/news/politics-elections/2008/09/26/conservative_columnist_palin_should_go