T-Minus 7 Days.

Well, the count down is on. Next week may very well be the most important and anxiety provoking week of my life. And by important, I mean something I have waited patiently for my entire life. It's funny, for something so huge and monumental, there is never going to be a Hallmark card that reads "Hey, good luck on meeting your dad for the first time." Which makes sense, as I doubt it would be a major money making card section. However, what is troubling is that it doesn't fit in the traditional 'wow, what a huge deal' kind of moments. If I were getting married, getting ready to have a baby, or even had a death in the family it would be widely recognized as a major day. Just an observation.

So far this week I have had a few panic attacks, several spontaneous cries, and a lot of hope. One part of me knows it will be okay and that everything is going to go great and probably better than I could even imagine. The other part of me is nervous and anxious beyond words and my body is having continuous convulsions trying to make sense of all these new feelings. I have just been trying to keep myself busy and surround myself with all the things that make me feel good. For example, right now I am sitting at Full City listening to JM drinking some Oregon chai and munching on a cream scone from Palace Bakery. My own personal heaven really. Today, I woke up feeling crazy and in order to sooth myself I did everything I could to stay busy: cleaned the house, deep cleaned the kitchen, caught up on a million emails, did yoga (with plans to do again before i go to bed), paid some bills, rocked out to some Bob Marley, went shopping for a bath mat, and tried on some clothes at Old Navy. All before about noon.

Not sure what the next few days will be like, though I have had so many mood swings it's ridiculous. With Brandy and Sally coming this weekend I feel like I will be okay. I basically won't be alone from about Friday on....which will inevitably distract and make me a little more sane than I would be otherwise.

I am very excited and grateful that this is finally happening. However, when I hear "all will be fine, don't worry" I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I am sure that is true, but I have waited for this my entire life. E-N-T-I-R-E life. I can't dismiss this anxiety and believe that it should just go away or I should just 'go have some fun to not think about it.' This is all I think about right now. I can't make it go away. I can't believe it will work out fine. When you spend your whole life without someone/thing and have to accept that for what it is (or try to at least), the very idea that the reality of that will soon change is overwhelming. Especially when you feel that most of your life has been in response to that loss and void it's hard to imagine what life will be like without that empty feeling. Man, maybe I am grieving the loss of my loss. Wtf. Blogging isn't therapy. But you get the idea of where I am at right now.

I just want Bran and Sal to get here. The sooner the better!