What is the deal?

I don't know what it is, but the last two weeks have been hell. I realize that I have a lot to be grateful for, and that sometimes my stress may not seem all that stressful when you look at the grand scheme of life....but right now I feel really overwhelmed and sad and hurt. There, I said it.

I feel like one of those hamster's on the wheel...working hard, as hard as humanly possible, and to no avail. Thankfully my students this summer have been quite wonderful and warm my heart every meeting. I think I would be going extra crazy if that was an added stress. It just seems like every time I turn around someone is letting me down. I know life would be much easier if I didn't count on people and just put a bunch of walls up, but that's not me. It never has been, it never will be. I wear my heart on my sleep, I walk through life with a lot of emotion, and I care deeply about every step I take. Each one of those steps are with intention and a great sense of passion. Most of the time this works out quite well for me, but lately it feels like I am taken advantage of and dismissed more times than I can count. I have tried to see my part, I have reflected on what it is that I am doing to keep bringing on these situations, but it seems as though it's just a moment in time where life is just achingly difficult.

I am tired of being single. Exhausted of it, frankly. I know, many of you who read my blog have a partner and kids and probably wish you could have my schedule and you may even say you are jealous of my life path. I have heard that, several times. Today even. But don't you see, you had your singlehood and you moved to the next stage. And many of you to the stage after that. It's like I am the kid that is held back in school, wishing I could go on with my friends to the new school, but I am stuck. There is a certain legitimacy that comes with being partnered and/or having kids. Especially in my profession. ESPECIALLY. I am sure it sounds "fun" to be single, but it's like a weekend trip to Vegas. It's really fun at first, you feel like you're having the time of your life. Then you realize how much you hate it because it's not really all it's cracked up to be. That may be a bad metaphor, in fact, it's terrible. I guess I just wish people understood how lonely and hard it is to be single at this age. How frustrating it is that you have to buy presents and go to things for your friends who are progressing through life in the "right" way. Nobody gave me a party after my dissertation proposal. Nobody gave me a party when I got my promotion. Nobody gave me a party for telling the guy who treated me like shit to never call again. Those are real, true accomplishments. But if I don't RSVP to your baby shower, or decide not to come to your wedding, then I'm the jerk. Am I making any sense?

There are other things going on....I have new things added to the journey of learning the other side of my family. It's been a really hard two weeks with that as well, especially the last few days. It's hard to talk about with people because there isn't anyone that can say "ya, I know what you mean." When you already feel really lonely, this makes it even more lonely. It's very emotional, often surprisingly difficult and deeply, deeply painful.

I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but all I can see right now is dark walls...I am doing my best to feel my way though....one step at a time. The serenity prayer is my best friend right now and I have it on repeat in my head. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I will be okay. I get to be okay. But it doesn't change how hard things are at the present moment.

Well, if that's not wearing your heart on your sleeve, I don't know what is.

Almost Lover

By: A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

A good cry.

Do you ever feel like you just need to let it all out? You have pent up feelings from several things and you just need a way to let it all out, though regardless of how much you need it, the tears just won't make their way out of your eye balls? I have felt this since the day I found out a friend of mine died from complications from his surgery (RIP Ross). Since I made it home from California I needed this good cry, but it wasn't making it's way. I was pretty tearful in the airport when Brandy dropped me off, but it was sad tears about leaving her more than anything else.

Finally, last night, it just started flowing. What was the catalyst? I was in my bedroom and went to grab my cell phone and realized I left it in the living room. I was pissed that I had to go get it. Really, really pissed. Sure enough, the tears came a flowin'! It was perfect. In a really strange and effed up way, it was exactly what I needed.

I can't quite figure out why a good cry is so healthy. It was one of those uncontrollable, can't see straight, keeled over, LOUD cries. And it was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Thank you, California.

I went to California to see Brandy nearly two weeks ago. It was one of THE best trips away from work/school since I started grad school. Granted, our San Diego trip a few years ago was pretty fun, it was too short and involved a lot of travel time.

I arrived in the Lucas capitol of the world (I swear, one out of three persons is a Lucas) and was quickly reminded as to why I loved living near Bran all of those years. We are the type of friends that can just hang out without a million things on the to-do list and enjoy each others company. It was so relaxing to just be in her world and just go with the flow for a week. We had a bunch of laughs and I realized how much I have missed her almost instantly. Even though we had a lot of fun just hanging around, we also did a lot of exciting stuff. Went to a baseball game, went shopping several times, went out to her cabin and hit the lake (with a wave runner and kick ass house boat), had delicious meals, spent time with mama and papa Lucas, went swimming, watched great movies, and on and on and on. It was a fabulous trip and felt strangely disappointing to come back to Eugene. (When have I EVER complained about coming back to Eugene?)

Brandy is one helluva friend. I can't believe I just used 'helluva'. Anyways, she unlike anyone I have ever met and I am grateful for her "getting me." She invited me into her life years ago and opened up her amazing family to me and I have loved every minute of it. I couldn't be more alike and so different from one person and for some reason it just works. She pushes me to think differently, to which hopefully I do the same for her. It was a wonderful break with her and having Sal, Mare, Kadee and Bailey time certainly made it even better.

There was something about this trip that was different. For one, I was surrounded with people that I genuinely love and admire, which seems to feed the soul regardless of whatever else is going on. Given that, there was something else that was at play. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I just felt at home on this trip. Usually when I go away, there comes a point when I am ready to get home. I want my bed, my stuff, my space. This time, I was perfectly okay out of my space and, frankly, didn't want to come back (I even postponed my ticket for an extra 4 days). This has been very puzzling to me and it was proposed that maybe I am just at a place in my life where I can go some where else and be okay in my environment, sans anxiety and need for the comforts of my life. (I think there is something to be said for that.) However, I am also questioning whether this has something to do with my own place in the world, was it the actual place I was (Bran's life), or was it something completely different that I haven't realized.

Or, maybe it's a combination of all of those things?

To some extent I am just happier and more at peace. Someone actually said that to me recently, "you seem at peace, you're okay being you." What he isn't aware of (yet) is that I have been working hard for this for years---an endeavor that has challenged me and created significant anguish throughout the process. Given his sense of peace and serenity, I know he gets that, but I didn't really explain that I haven't been like this all of my life. Is that it though? Am I just in a place where I am happy and okay being me? I don't need anything else, but, well, me? I would say that I am indeed at this place, maybe it's just that California afforded me the opportunity to realize it.

With that said, shouldn't I feel that way regardless of where I am? There are still "places" that I go that evoke a great deal of frustration and discomfort. Is the universe trying to tell me that it's time for me to "deal" with those specific things? It's almost as if the California trip was the carrot, so to speak, saying "Hey Tiffany, see how good it is? Wouldn't you like to feel this way ALL of the time."

Yes, California, I do. Thanks for the reminder that I have to constantly work on myself.

Here are some pictorial highlights.

We had fun this night. Well, Sal and I did. Brandy sorta did. ;)

We started a fight at the baseball game and got a guy kicked out. This is us relishing in our victory. We are front row on the 1st baseline and annoying dude is ALLLL the way over on the other side. How do we know this? Cuz we could still hear him after he was banished to the bleachers.

We like cornfields?
We can't help you understand us.


This is our sad face because I am being dropped at the airport.

Eugene Rodeo (yes, I went to a rodeo).

So, I am on vacation, MIND YOU. But when your best friend calls you up and tells you to blog, I guess you do it. Here are some pictures from our time at the Eugene Rodeo. YOU'RE WELCOME TATUM! I would say that the top picture and the videos are worth your undivided attention.