What is the deal?

I don't know what it is, but the last two weeks have been hell. I realize that I have a lot to be grateful for, and that sometimes my stress may not seem all that stressful when you look at the grand scheme of life....but right now I feel really overwhelmed and sad and hurt. There, I said it.

I feel like one of those hamster's on the wheel...working hard, as hard as humanly possible, and to no avail. Thankfully my students this summer have been quite wonderful and warm my heart every meeting. I think I would be going extra crazy if that was an added stress. It just seems like every time I turn around someone is letting me down. I know life would be much easier if I didn't count on people and just put a bunch of walls up, but that's not me. It never has been, it never will be. I wear my heart on my sleep, I walk through life with a lot of emotion, and I care deeply about every step I take. Each one of those steps are with intention and a great sense of passion. Most of the time this works out quite well for me, but lately it feels like I am taken advantage of and dismissed more times than I can count. I have tried to see my part, I have reflected on what it is that I am doing to keep bringing on these situations, but it seems as though it's just a moment in time where life is just achingly difficult.

I am tired of being single. Exhausted of it, frankly. I know, many of you who read my blog have a partner and kids and probably wish you could have my schedule and you may even say you are jealous of my life path. I have heard that, several times. Today even. But don't you see, you had your singlehood and you moved to the next stage. And many of you to the stage after that. It's like I am the kid that is held back in school, wishing I could go on with my friends to the new school, but I am stuck. There is a certain legitimacy that comes with being partnered and/or having kids. Especially in my profession. ESPECIALLY. I am sure it sounds "fun" to be single, but it's like a weekend trip to Vegas. It's really fun at first, you feel like you're having the time of your life. Then you realize how much you hate it because it's not really all it's cracked up to be. That may be a bad metaphor, in fact, it's terrible. I guess I just wish people understood how lonely and hard it is to be single at this age. How frustrating it is that you have to buy presents and go to things for your friends who are progressing through life in the "right" way. Nobody gave me a party after my dissertation proposal. Nobody gave me a party when I got my promotion. Nobody gave me a party for telling the guy who treated me like shit to never call again. Those are real, true accomplishments. But if I don't RSVP to your baby shower, or decide not to come to your wedding, then I'm the jerk. Am I making any sense?

There are other things going on....I have new things added to the journey of learning the other side of my family. It's been a really hard two weeks with that as well, especially the last few days. It's hard to talk about with people because there isn't anyone that can say "ya, I know what you mean." When you already feel really lonely, this makes it even more lonely. It's very emotional, often surprisingly difficult and deeply, deeply painful.

I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but all I can see right now is dark walls...I am doing my best to feel my way though....one step at a time. The serenity prayer is my best friend right now and I have it on repeat in my head. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I will be okay. I get to be okay. But it doesn't change how hard things are at the present moment.

Well, if that's not wearing your heart on your sleeve, I don't know what is.