Reflection time.

This year has been incredible. I feel like it's important for me to capture a few of the highlights. Tomorrow I turn 29 (eek) and I am realizing that documenting my journey is important and relevant.

The search.

This time last year, on my birthday, I made the decision to look for my biological dad. It was something that I always knew I would do and also knew that the timing meant everything. The timing of this was for me, not for anyone else. With my amazing therapist by my side, it was extremely serendipitous that it was time for the cliched call to a private investigator. I asked out loud in a therapy session one day "I wonder when I will be ready to find my dad," to which she responded, "Tiffany, I think you are ready, you have been ready. Let's start looking for him. I had asked myself this question for many years, always feeling as though I was not "ready" to embark on such an unknown journey. What made this time different was the fact that I was finally sitting across from someone that was willing to take this on with me. It was a relief. I didn't have to do this alone.

Strangely enough, I tend to enjoy doing things on my own. Enjoy is even a weak term, I actually prefer to do things alone. This was different. This was an endeavor that was messing with my identity, sense of self, and I was ultimately fearful that I would be unable to regulate any emotions that would come of it. Essentially, I needed to know that my (inevitable) emotional breakdown would not have to be alone. I needed to know that someone was willing to sit in the crap with me, as I didn't know what this journey would bring. (And don't think I didn't look for books to tell me what it would be like. I searched. Everywhere.)

Anyways, what I am getting at is this year has been incredibly influential in the grand scope of my life. I will always remember this year. I made the decision to look for my dad and not only did I find him, I also found a brother that has become my best friend and the greatest addition to my life. A brother that has truly filled the hole that was in my heart my e-n-t-i-r-e life. I also learned that I have two other brothers out there. I cannot wait to find them and engage in new beginnings with my older brothers (it's just fun to say that). In the grand scheme of all the changes this year has brought, I am filled with gratitude that my brother Zane has created a space in his life for me. I honestly feel complete. And forever thankful that myspace brought us together (seriously, that is how I found him). He is talented, humble, confident, caring, and ridiculously amazing. And he's MY brother.



This blog is just a way for me to document changes in my life. To me, that's what a blog is for. Some rant and rave (I am sure there are times I will do so) and some post pictures of their beloved children (this better happen for me someday or that hole in my heart will return). I see my blog as a chance to share with who ever is interested the moments in my life that I feel are worth punctuating. This year, to me, is the greatest punctuation in my life. The year I became the person I was always supposed to be.

This "person" I have always been striving to be is much more relaxed, content, not as OCD, and well aware of her anxiety with tools to deal with it. She is also happy, more loving, and believes in herself from the inside out. This has finally happened. From the moment I met Zane all of these pieces fit together. I finally realized exactly who I wanted to be, exactly who I was. It was almost like, in an instant, I received the cure of a lifetime. And this cure is my 25 year old brother who seems to be the greatest gift I have ever received from this universe. And I am eternally grateful from the bottom of my heart.

Being home.

Is there anything better than being in a place you call home for the chance to learn as much as humanly possible? I returned back in Eugene in August and it has been blissful ever since. I love this city. I whole-heartedly love this city. It taught me how to live on my own when I was 19, it was the place where I (neglectfully) fell in love for the first time, where I found my professional calling, and where I met some of the greatest people that continue to be major players in my life. I have been able to come back and be a part of the UofO in a different way and give back to the university that I feel has the greatest strength in Oregon. Not to mention the greatest football program. :)

At any rate, I have been able to develop my professional identity this year in way that I was not planning. I am clear as to how I want to be in the world of my field, what I believe in regard to my work with students, and how to challenge myself with my colleagues. It's incredible. In the meanwhile, I am developing closer bonds with the faculty that initially taught me. They were once my mentors, and now they are my mentors and friends.

In addition, I am able to see my niece more regularly. She is divine and I am so grateful that she is a part of this world. My sister and her have a closeness that is indescribable, the type of closeness that all mothers likely hope to have with their daughters. Joselyn and I are finding our own rhythm in our relationship and I absolutely adore her. Just today she proclaimed how much she didn't want me to leave because "I will miss you as soon as you are gone." How does a three year old make that connection emotionally? Too sweet.

Dear friends.

This year has also been about my friendships. More or less just an observation about what I want in my life and what I don't. I feel so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing network of people that care about me and are willing to accept me for exactly who I am. I am better about investing in those who are able to give to me as I give to them. I used to be the friend that would do anything for you and not expect a thing in return. Essentially, I was co-dependent. :) I now expect you to be a good friend. Your definition and my definition of a good friend may be different, but I deserve to have people in my life that are willing to be my friend in return. It's a grand realization, something that took me a while to discover. Brandy would say I am well differentiated now, and I would have to agree with her. Thank you Murray Bowen for such a fantastic definition of self-awareness and regulation.