Almost Lover

By: A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

A good cry.

Do you ever feel like you just need to let it all out? You have pent up feelings from several things and you just need a way to let it all out, though regardless of how much you need it, the tears just won't make their way out of your eye balls? I have felt this since the day I found out a friend of mine died from complications from his surgery (RIP Ross). Since I made it home from California I needed this good cry, but it wasn't making it's way. I was pretty tearful in the airport when Brandy dropped me off, but it was sad tears about leaving her more than anything else.

Finally, last night, it just started flowing. What was the catalyst? I was in my bedroom and went to grab my cell phone and realized I left it in the living room. I was pissed that I had to go get it. Really, really pissed. Sure enough, the tears came a flowin'! It was perfect. In a really strange and effed up way, it was exactly what I needed.

I can't quite figure out why a good cry is so healthy. It was one of those uncontrollable, can't see straight, keeled over, LOUD cries. And it was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Thank you, California.

I went to California to see Brandy nearly two weeks ago. It was one of THE best trips away from work/school since I started grad school. Granted, our San Diego trip a few years ago was pretty fun, it was too short and involved a lot of travel time.

I arrived in the Lucas capitol of the world (I swear, one out of three persons is a Lucas) and was quickly reminded as to why I loved living near Bran all of those years. We are the type of friends that can just hang out without a million things on the to-do list and enjoy each others company. It was so relaxing to just be in her world and just go with the flow for a week. We had a bunch of laughs and I realized how much I have missed her almost instantly. Even though we had a lot of fun just hanging around, we also did a lot of exciting stuff. Went to a baseball game, went shopping several times, went out to her cabin and hit the lake (with a wave runner and kick ass house boat), had delicious meals, spent time with mama and papa Lucas, went swimming, watched great movies, and on and on and on. It was a fabulous trip and felt strangely disappointing to come back to Eugene. (When have I EVER complained about coming back to Eugene?)

Brandy is one helluva friend. I can't believe I just used 'helluva'. Anyways, she unlike anyone I have ever met and I am grateful for her "getting me." She invited me into her life years ago and opened up her amazing family to me and I have loved every minute of it. I couldn't be more alike and so different from one person and for some reason it just works. She pushes me to think differently, to which hopefully I do the same for her. It was a wonderful break with her and having Sal, Mare, Kadee and Bailey time certainly made it even better.

There was something about this trip that was different. For one, I was surrounded with people that I genuinely love and admire, which seems to feed the soul regardless of whatever else is going on. Given that, there was something else that was at play. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I just felt at home on this trip. Usually when I go away, there comes a point when I am ready to get home. I want my bed, my stuff, my space. This time, I was perfectly okay out of my space and, frankly, didn't want to come back (I even postponed my ticket for an extra 4 days). This has been very puzzling to me and it was proposed that maybe I am just at a place in my life where I can go some where else and be okay in my environment, sans anxiety and need for the comforts of my life. (I think there is something to be said for that.) However, I am also questioning whether this has something to do with my own place in the world, was it the actual place I was (Bran's life), or was it something completely different that I haven't realized.

Or, maybe it's a combination of all of those things?

To some extent I am just happier and more at peace. Someone actually said that to me recently, "you seem at peace, you're okay being you." What he isn't aware of (yet) is that I have been working hard for this for years---an endeavor that has challenged me and created significant anguish throughout the process. Given his sense of peace and serenity, I know he gets that, but I didn't really explain that I haven't been like this all of my life. Is that it though? Am I just in a place where I am happy and okay being me? I don't need anything else, but, well, me? I would say that I am indeed at this place, maybe it's just that California afforded me the opportunity to realize it.

With that said, shouldn't I feel that way regardless of where I am? There are still "places" that I go that evoke a great deal of frustration and discomfort. Is the universe trying to tell me that it's time for me to "deal" with those specific things? It's almost as if the California trip was the carrot, so to speak, saying "Hey Tiffany, see how good it is? Wouldn't you like to feel this way ALL of the time."

Yes, California, I do. Thanks for the reminder that I have to constantly work on myself.

Here are some pictorial highlights.

We had fun this night. Well, Sal and I did. Brandy sorta did. ;)

We started a fight at the baseball game and got a guy kicked out. This is us relishing in our victory. We are front row on the 1st baseline and annoying dude is ALLLL the way over on the other side. How do we know this? Cuz we could still hear him after he was banished to the bleachers.

We like cornfields?
We can't help you understand us.


This is our sad face because I am being dropped at the airport.

Eugene Rodeo (yes, I went to a rodeo).

So, I am on vacation, MIND YOU. But when your best friend calls you up and tells you to blog, I guess you do it. Here are some pictures from our time at the Eugene Rodeo. YOU'RE WELCOME TATUM! I would say that the top picture and the videos are worth your undivided attention.

Kung Fu, Carter.

I loved today; Tatum, Carter, and McLane came to visit! We put "Kung Fu, Panda" on this evening so the boys could wind down a bit, though Carter insisted on watching the music video prior to watching the film. Check out his moves! And might I add that when we finally got to watching the film he was insistent on watching it in Spanish. Carter is already hilarious, it is very likely he will out humor his mom by the time he's in first grade. ;)






Carter and McLane warmed my heart today. I am so happy it's almost summer break so I can spend more time with all of them. One of the most difficult parts of being in Texas was basically missing out on all of Tatum's big life changes. They are both such sweet boys and thankfully have taken to me well over the years, even though we rarely see each other.

Thanks, Bug, for a great day.

What is this 'timing' thing really about?

I am noticing that there are changes happening in my life that I didn't really plan for. Well, I hoped for them, but didn't know if they would ever be implemented. Mostly changes in how I react to certain situations and feelings and emotions that are going on within me. I started therapy a few years ago, for the 3rd time, and it took me until this particular therapeutic relationship to really understand how I wanted to live my life. Was it the therapist? Was it the timing? Was it the relationship? Most would argue that the "common factors" could explain the reasons why this was the time that made the most sense for me to make the adjustments needed in my life. Is that true?

Ah, the common factors, how I (sort of) love thee.

Anyways, I have to say that I am grateful for whatever the reason behind such awareness these days. I am able to clearly ask for what I need, say what I mean, and believe that I deserve to have the best in life, something that took me quite a long time to thoroughly come to terms with. I recently let someone know not to call me anymore because I knew I deserved better. I would have never done that years ago! Hell, I wouldn't have even done that 6 months ago. It's almost as if all the things I wanted to have happen in my life just started happening. What is so puzzling is what makes these changes start to occur? Why are things so good all of the time, as if I am completely different with an ability to feel deeper, with a clear heart and mind? I feel as though I am typically a compassionate person, however, lately this compassion seems to have shifted into compassion with a side of boundaries.

Not that I am not a nice person anymore, that just won't change. Ever.

It's just that I don't let people walk all over me. I listen, take it in, and then express my truth and orchestrate a relationship (albeit clinical, collegial, friendship, romantic, student-teacher) with more intention and clarity. I am clear and deliberate, all the while feeling less anxious and happy. Definitely happy.

All in all things are really great right now. I feel settled in. I feel as if I am doing exactly what I am supposed to do at the exact time I am supposed to be doing it. Everything is lining up perfectly and I am learning and growing with each new day. It may sound cheesy, but it's incredibly true. And for that, I continuously remain extremely grateful.

Oh, and I cut my hair today. To go with my new "look" on life. ;) Bahahaha.

Calling all Parents!

My dear friend, Deanna, has a three year old son who recently choked on a piece of meat a week or so ago. Since this incident, he has not eaten any solid foods (with a few exceptions). He is afraid to eat and choke, often getting seriously panicked when asked to eat anything solid. He's been eating yogurt and applesauce, and drinking milk and sometimes a smoothie. The pediatrician said to not put any energy into it and let him eat what he will (instead of trying to force anything or use behavioral measures). I was just wondering if anyone has any ideas...he won't even eat fruit! Dairy seems to be the only thing that he's open to, which of course can't be good for him long term. Anyways, any help you can offer would be GREAT! :)

Bragging rights.

Nobody cares, I am sure. But today was one of my most productive days. This is what I accomplished:

• Went for a walk in the gorgeous sun.
  
• Put together new Ikea dresser while watching Office Space.
  
• Cleaned out closet and rearranged where everything goes.
  
• Cleaned out old dresser.
  
• Rearranged my bedroom a bit.
  
• Devoted an entire drawer to my jewelry and reorganized everything for said drawer. (I am most proud of this and very excited to open a drawer to all of my jewelry being in one place).
  
• Cleaned my entire apartment (mopping, dusting, wiping down everything, vacuuming, and DEEP cleaning the bathroom and kitchen).
• Edited an article for publication.
• Returned all student emails (I rarely get caught up and actually feel caught up).
  
• Paid all of my bills and balanced my money, honey.
• Prepped for class tomorrow and developed an activity to discuss clinical confidence.
  
• Hung out with the roommate for a bit.
  
• Went to the grocery store and stocked up for the week.
• Watched The Simpson's.
  

All in all, a rather good day! Wish I would have spent more time in the sun, but I am so happy getting all of this done today. I can't wait for this term to be over so I can actually be on top of things like this every day. Teaching one class vs. four is going to be a dream!

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend! :)

Mical!

I can't see your blog. And, I don't know your email address to tell you. :)

Help! Tehehe.

My email: tiffanybrown05@gmail.com.

Reflection time.

This year has been incredible. I feel like it's important for me to capture a few of the highlights. Tomorrow I turn 29 (eek) and I am realizing that documenting my journey is important and relevant.

The search.

This time last year, on my birthday, I made the decision to look for my biological dad. It was something that I always knew I would do and also knew that the timing meant everything. The timing of this was for me, not for anyone else. With my amazing therapist by my side, it was extremely serendipitous that it was time for the cliched call to a private investigator. I asked out loud in a therapy session one day "I wonder when I will be ready to find my dad," to which she responded, "Tiffany, I think you are ready, you have been ready. Let's start looking for him. I had asked myself this question for many years, always feeling as though I was not "ready" to embark on such an unknown journey. What made this time different was the fact that I was finally sitting across from someone that was willing to take this on with me. It was a relief. I didn't have to do this alone.

Strangely enough, I tend to enjoy doing things on my own. Enjoy is even a weak term, I actually prefer to do things alone. This was different. This was an endeavor that was messing with my identity, sense of self, and I was ultimately fearful that I would be unable to regulate any emotions that would come of it. Essentially, I needed to know that my (inevitable) emotional breakdown would not have to be alone. I needed to know that someone was willing to sit in the crap with me, as I didn't know what this journey would bring. (And don't think I didn't look for books to tell me what it would be like. I searched. Everywhere.)

Anyways, what I am getting at is this year has been incredibly influential in the grand scope of my life. I will always remember this year. I made the decision to look for my dad and not only did I find him, I also found a brother that has become my best friend and the greatest addition to my life. A brother that has truly filled the hole that was in my heart my e-n-t-i-r-e life. I also learned that I have two other brothers out there. I cannot wait to find them and engage in new beginnings with my older brothers (it's just fun to say that). In the grand scheme of all the changes this year has brought, I am filled with gratitude that my brother Zane has created a space in his life for me. I honestly feel complete. And forever thankful that myspace brought us together (seriously, that is how I found him). He is talented, humble, confident, caring, and ridiculously amazing. And he's MY brother.



This blog is just a way for me to document changes in my life. To me, that's what a blog is for. Some rant and rave (I am sure there are times I will do so) and some post pictures of their beloved children (this better happen for me someday or that hole in my heart will return). I see my blog as a chance to share with who ever is interested the moments in my life that I feel are worth punctuating. This year, to me, is the greatest punctuation in my life. The year I became the person I was always supposed to be.

This "person" I have always been striving to be is much more relaxed, content, not as OCD, and well aware of her anxiety with tools to deal with it. She is also happy, more loving, and believes in herself from the inside out. This has finally happened. From the moment I met Zane all of these pieces fit together. I finally realized exactly who I wanted to be, exactly who I was. It was almost like, in an instant, I received the cure of a lifetime. And this cure is my 25 year old brother who seems to be the greatest gift I have ever received from this universe. And I am eternally grateful from the bottom of my heart.

Being home.

Is there anything better than being in a place you call home for the chance to learn as much as humanly possible? I returned back in Eugene in August and it has been blissful ever since. I love this city. I whole-heartedly love this city. It taught me how to live on my own when I was 19, it was the place where I (neglectfully) fell in love for the first time, where I found my professional calling, and where I met some of the greatest people that continue to be major players in my life. I have been able to come back and be a part of the UofO in a different way and give back to the university that I feel has the greatest strength in Oregon. Not to mention the greatest football program. :)

At any rate, I have been able to develop my professional identity this year in way that I was not planning. I am clear as to how I want to be in the world of my field, what I believe in regard to my work with students, and how to challenge myself with my colleagues. It's incredible. In the meanwhile, I am developing closer bonds with the faculty that initially taught me. They were once my mentors, and now they are my mentors and friends.

In addition, I am able to see my niece more regularly. She is divine and I am so grateful that she is a part of this world. My sister and her have a closeness that is indescribable, the type of closeness that all mothers likely hope to have with their daughters. Joselyn and I are finding our own rhythm in our relationship and I absolutely adore her. Just today she proclaimed how much she didn't want me to leave because "I will miss you as soon as you are gone." How does a three year old make that connection emotionally? Too sweet.

Dear friends.

This year has also been about my friendships. More or less just an observation about what I want in my life and what I don't. I feel so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing network of people that care about me and are willing to accept me for exactly who I am. I am better about investing in those who are able to give to me as I give to them. I used to be the friend that would do anything for you and not expect a thing in return. Essentially, I was co-dependent. :) I now expect you to be a good friend. Your definition and my definition of a good friend may be different, but I deserve to have people in my life that are willing to be my friend in return. It's a grand realization, something that took me a while to discover. Brandy would say I am well differentiated now, and I would have to agree with her. Thank you Murray Bowen for such a fantastic definition of self-awareness and regulation.